Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The Unwanted Feast

      My heart and soul have become so empty...nothing more than a withering and hollow shell. Now vacant of the life that once thrived in its shining existence I am threatened with the contemptible starvation that has sunk its unrelenting teeth into my soul. I grieve as it shreds the very essence that once made me human. 
     I watch with envy and regret as so many others sit at the table and feast on the bounty before them. Their bellies quickly swell has they so greedily gorge themselves on the love that overflows from the table before them. I long to join feast on the plentiful bounty, but my appetite is all but gone...where it's hiding I do not know. So here I heart and soul wasting away as I stand back from the table and watch...wanting so desperately to feed. Perhaps just a nibble would be enough...
      Many others beckon to me...they plead with me to join them in this beautiful feast. And yet I still do not badly as I want to partake in the joyous pleasures of the abundant love before me, my desire to swallow a single morsel is outweighed by the retching pain inside my gut. The broken heart I have suffered now dictates even the most simple...and necessary...functions that sustain the very life that so many fight for. My mouth waters as I observe the glorious love being consumed and shared by others...oh, how I long for even the smallest of bites. 
      My husband and his new partner sit at the table...side by side they devour the overflowing love being served to them like an endless buffet. They look over at me with loathing as I stand in the corner alone and watch their gluttony with a heavy sorrow in my heart. They taunt me...they laugh at me...they torment my soul to its very core. As they shovel this boundless feast into their mouths they yell to me...telling me that I will never eat again. They shout that I will never be welcome to feast on the bounty of love ever again. They tell me I'm not worthy of such a feast, they say I'm a waste of the flourishing love that spills over the table and onto the floor. Nothing more than an insignificant void in the vast universe of humanity.
    My body starts to shake with anger, my heart quickens and the taste of bile begins to burn my throat as my stomach retches with anguish. I want to show them that I CAN eat...I want them to see me at the table stuffing my face with the love that is boundless. The love that I too am worthy of overindulging myself with...I want to prove to them that I too deserve to feed my soul with a love that is immeasurable. So I take a bite...but it is tough and undeniably bitter. My stomach begins to churn and I cannot force another piece upon myself. So the feast continues on without me.
      The bitter taste still lingers in my mouth...I hope that if I take another bite the banquet will become desirable once again. So over and over I try to join the others at the table and eat...and again my body begins to reject the love that I so desperately need to survive. 
      Conceding to my unforgiving failure I back away from the table and tuck myself into a corner, hoping that no one will see me. The humiliation of watching my love dine with another is more than I can bear. I watch and wait as others flow in and out of this banquet of love...someone will glance over at me from time to time and motion toward the table. Yet I remain frozen where I stand...terrified that I might actually become ill if I ingest even the tiniest of crumbs...never realizing that I already am quite ill.
     I cry out in sheer vexation...knowing that even if someone reached out to help me I'm still incapable of grabbing their hand. So I wait...hoping that my desire to indulge in the bountiful feast of love will once again flood my heart and soul. The levy I've so carefully constructed inside my heart cannot hold back the fear and pain forever. Someday my soul's need to nourish itself will outweigh the selfishness of my stomach.
     And so I wait...

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